Patrick Loftus

This is a picture taken of my grandfather Patrick Loftus

and here is my sons story
while in the navy someone in our family he had never met someone at that time who had a rank of officer i believe came to where my son was stationed at the time and was talking to someone else while my son was in the room. my mind is saying a meeting of somekind not sure. but during the conversation the person talked about a long lost relative named " Patrick Loftus" who according to them had left Ireland come to the USA and gone to they thought Alaska and neverr been heard of again.
during that talk my sons ears were standing on end couldnt believe what he was hearing and couldnt remark on what was said because of rank issues. so he sat there screaming inside " I AM PATRICK LOFTUS'S GREAT GRANDSON!!!"
once the meeting or converstation was over the person left and all contact was lost. Ira had no choice but to let it go.
so so close and yet so far.
soooooooo in memory of my Grandpa Patrick Loftus from what we think was county mayo ireland who came over during the potatoe famine . i say
Happy St Patricks day. maybe with our luck someone will google him and end up here :) one can only hope :)

Where are my dentures ?

when my son was deployed to Iraq the stress factor was horrible but little did i know who badly it could get on me. or what it could do. i did remember the time when my mom passed on and someone thought it would be nice if i went to the hair dresser, she was washing my hair and asked me if i was sick with something like cancer i said no. why do you ask she said your hair is falling out in large amounts. i said only thing happened to me in the past month was my mom had passed away in my arms. she said ok that would do this to me. i found with Ira in Iraq my hair was back to falling out not as badly but enough that i noticed it. and At the end of his 6 months there my teeth suddenly began to go bad. i would find myself going to the dentist and thinking oh great another filling fell out he will just put in a new one only to find he was pulling it instead. finally after loosing so many the dentists got together and recommended that we begin to pull them this all happened over a one year period the pulling here and there. before they said ok they all have to go. because i also ended up with an infection in there and it kept going away and coming back due to the teeth. i remember my son in law telling the kids you have to take care of your teeth or you will end up like your grams . that hurt alot and i mentioned it to the dentist the next time i was in there. he said not true Crissy this all began around the time Ira was in Iraq and we are all aware of the stress you were under your teeth were fine before that we think the stress of it all did this to you.
OK all that said to say this. i have been going through all this now for ages. last Aug is when they decided to take all the teeth. and they asked me then if it was OK for me to run around with out my uppers see i only lost those the lowers were on there way out too but what ever it was stopped finally when they pulled all the uppers. thank god. they took from October to November to pull them all. 4 the first time and then the last time the dentist said OK lets just take all the rest so he pulled all the rest 7 at one time.
i told him if i had a problem with going with out teeth for awhile then at my age maybe i should seek counseling. he smiled and we pulled teeth LOL
OK that was November. December found me finally going into another dentist for the dentures and i still had to have what was left of the lowers worked on by the other dentist at the same time. so for awhile i was averaging 2 appointments per week. oh goodie i love spending time at that dentist office LOL
were into February 2007 now. i spent December singing all i want for Christmas is my two front teeth , spent January remembering that i did sing that. and now February is here and i dreamed of false teeth instead of candy for valentines day and that came and went. sigh so when someone asked me how long it was going to be i said you know i haven't a clue but i am beginning to think they went on safari to Africa to hunt elephants because at this rate those things better be made out of ivory LOL and because if they had gone north to hunt for walrus's they would have been back by now LOL and i would be sporting some nice teeth LOL though the last appointment was February 4th and i got to visit with my teeth then. i say that because i got to try on the preliminary ones the ones that are wax with the teeth set in them. nothing like teasing me and making me wish. :( i don't mind going with out but i sure dream of the things i could eat with teeth LOL ok maybe st pats day huh if not maybe Easter. sigh we will see. right now my whole life feels like its on hold once in awhile that is how i feel. back to knitting and more am coffee.

post to a post on post deployment

there are and will be for awhile alot of things about being a navy mom that come to mind when they do i will make sure i post them
so here goes another walk down memory lane.
before i do so i want to point out i wasnt the only mom that went through this silent treatment thing i know of others that did too. and i am very glad my sons sister was there for him always have been even though it put a huge strain on our relationship and changed that for the time being hopefully it will turn around someday but for now it hasnt.
here is the copy of my post on the mms today, it is in response to a post deployment situtation , and how much war changes them. i am not alone in this but this is what i went through and how i reponded to the post .
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i am sorry to hear this is happening. when Ira came back he didnt call me for three months wouldnt talk to me or his sisters he grew up with at all for nothing. or my hubby his step dad only real dad he ever knew. he just wouldnt talk. to anyone but his one sis he never knew. and i was left to wonder if i would ever see or hear from him again. there were actully times i would wake up and think my son is dead i know it someone forgot to tell me is all. that is how come i havent heard from him i am in shock and dont know it yet or am not facing it. and would call my daughter and tell her how iw as feeling and what i was thinking. and found even she was thinking the same because we were so left out. totally at that time. all i wanted so badly was to hug him count his toes and all that see if he was ok. but he wasnt. he saw things over there and maybe even did things he would never ever dream of doing or seeing in his life because the boy i raised was raised with morals and had a gently loving side to him that was pushed to the max in the middle of a war. as a medical corpsman. i am sure of that in fact i know that. that part is a given. do not take any of this personally the attiudes or any mood swings. think of it this way. i am going to tell you the same thing i have told my kids many times ok. and then had no choice but to walk my own talk. but walk it i did. you would never dream of going to to a stranger and yelling or start a fight with them unless you had good reason . right? because if you do your in for one heck of a fight they do fight backand will in a bad way. keeping that in mind most people who do fight in families are fighting with people they proffess to love. someone they trust. someone they know is going to help them get out of the mess there in somehow . its the cry of a drowning person is what it is. something is over whelming them or upsetting them enough they have to say something some where to someone. and its not always placed in the right diretion. but they place it with someone they know they love and who loves them and they hope deep down will throw them a life line. or find one that will pull them back . there not laying blame at your feet there saying help me i cant do this alone. it took two veitnam vets to talk my son into going for counciling before he left the navy. and then it took months more before i began to see the son that i watched go into the navy imerge again and be his old self as close as he will ever become that man again. and all i could do was love him even though for those long months i didnt hear from him and then when i did it was hit and miss one month and then nothing again for months on end again. and now heck you cant keep him off the phone he calls his mom to see if i am ok or just to talk i hear from him now at least 2 x's a week and he is so loving again and kind and everything he used to be best as it ever will be again. and i cant keep him out of text mesages and i wouldnt dream of it . but he still hasnt come home here yet. that part i am not sure will ever happen but i am ok with it now for the first time since he got out. even if your son in law is a vet he and knows what is going on with your daughter it may take somone else to get her to go for the counciling she needs to get through this. all you can so is keep telling her you love her and remembering the girl you love is still there wounded emotionally but still there. and all you can do is pray and hope and keep telling her no matter what she does you still love her and always will. i remember when i did get the chance to talk to ira once telling him no matter what happned no matter what he may have had to do i still loved him and if he needed to be forgiven he had that from me too. he said he knew and hung up. and i didnt hear from him again for months. i said it to him because i felt he needed to hear that from me . and then i felt bad because he cut me off again. i am now glad that part is over with and done for now at least. married to a vietnam vet i know it may come back again later on but when it does or if i know what to do and i think ira does too now . its not and easy walk to walk but i am here for you and you do have my prayers totally i am sorry i keep editing this post because i keep remembering things that happened to me when all this went down. one of the other things crossed my mind when ira refused to talk to us was maybe he came home wounded or badly scared physically and didnt want me to know and didnt want to return home and be a burden.maybe i dont know because i refused to see or listen or something. even though i knew i would have had a visit from the military ..... i mean come on the things a mother's mind will come up with right ? but i assure you none of it is turth. he is very much alive and well and has all his toes
hugs and love and tons of prayers from me another navy vet mom crissy in alaska

taking a look back ( mail call and phone calls)

you know being a military mom isnt easy at all.
but here are a few things you should know
each branch of the military does it diffrently yet same same
so its best if your a army mom to ask another army mom what basic is like and what to expect .
navy mom 101
the kid is gone off to become a sailor
what do you do?

well the frist thing i did was go home and have a good cry.
then i waited for ira to contact me.
he finally called me about two weeks into his basic or when they finally allowed him to call me.
when he did he said ma all my personal stuff will be mailed to you via ups
they do that so you dont fall over in a dead faint if someone comes to the door to deliver your childs personal stuff back to you after all they no longer need that stuff all their going to wear from then on is a uniform right?

at some point ira had to sit and write me a letter. so i would get the information on his address and how to contact him . no phone numbers just a brochier on how to get to boot camp graduation. which i couldnt do since he was in the naval boot camp on the east coast. heck this is alaska good luck getting out of here and back in unless you got a ton of money laying around .
so i missed his gratuation totally both times.
couldnt be there when he shiped out to iraq either.
anyway that is getting ahead of myself
mail call...........
first off i invested in 100 stamps
and then ran off to locate every post card i could of alaska
and i would sit every morning at my pc and type him a quick letter
and send those off
here is the deal about post cards
if you feel like you want to send those please remember everything you write on the back is read outloud so those not getting mail can hear something from home .
sooooooooo no embarrissing stuff on the backs of those. and no mushy stuff
dont write things like love and hugs and all that from your mother
just put love from mom and leave it at that
what i did was this
i got me every post card known to man kind of alaska and took the opertunity to take the whole lot of them on a tour of alaska through post cards
would put triva about alaska on the backs or some funny thing on there something to get a smile out of them.
i was known as the mom who wrote the most when ira went through because i must have sent every post card out. sent out three of those a day and then sent about three letters a day too.

ok phone calls.......
i vowed not to cry on the phone with ira ever
and i vowed not to carry on about stuff back home like someone in the family not getting along or someone fighting or things like that.
i kept our talks to an upbeat thing didnt ever talk bad to him or tell him how to act or behave. heck he didnt need me to do that he had a person yelling at him all day and night during training he didnt need me to do the same .
and when ira came home on leave and left i would not cry when i put him on the plane either i would wait until i was down the road and at the nearest stop sign before i would fall totally apart.
i did the best i could to not add to any troubles ira had while he was in the navy by not falling apart or making him a part of any troubles going on back home.
not that i didnt include him in things either. i did include him told him about the walks i went on or the camping trips and movies i saw and places and people and events and alot of things but never about the troubles.
like he said once when i asked him where he was at he said if i tell you ma then i have to shoot you you know that.
he then asked me about something family and i said same thing there are things here at home you dont need to know so back at you if i tell you then i have to shoot you too. so dont ask.
and we kept it that way the whole time he was in after all there was not a dang thing he could do about what was going on at home. he couldnt reach through that phone and fix anything or make it better . though his calls made my days and nights and alot of time just hearing his voice made things a ton better.
and even know that he is out and on his own hearing his voice say maaaaa is that you maaaaaa and then begin to tell me about the place he is living at now well i sure miss the child i gave to the navy but i love the man they gave back to me. for sure
hugs and love and tons of prayers from this vetern navy mom to all of you.
aka ( crissy ira's mom) in alaska

the support group i belonged too

finally i updated this blog so i could add links along the side and such. when i first began this blog awhile back you couldnt do that or if you could i had no clue how.
that was during the time the bagdad blogger was the hot deal and i actually was busy reading his blog of what it was like for a private citizen in bagdad to go through the war.
at the same time i ran across alot of blogs done by our own military soldiers those kept going while they were in the service but once they got out poof gone.
anyway.
during that time i began to blog . not alot but i blogged.
i also ran into one of the best support groups on line any military mom would ever want to gett involved with and that is the military moms.net link located on the side here under links.
for me it was a place i could run to anytime day or night and just hang my emotions out and say ouch and others understood me totaly and backed me up. to them i was norrmal on a normal roller coster ride all of us understood but if you werent a military mom well or a family member of one well it was a tough call for the understanding department.
so i lived there day and night. i remember one thanksgiving my hubby was working and i went in cause i was here at home alone. and i spent the day reading every post there was and posting something to each one. just for something to do and for some kind of connection to the outside world that day.
being a military mom and belonging to a group of people that were military moms helped me feel like i was normal and connected .
and yes during the war i watched as other moms burried their sons and daugthers on the board there and we held prayer services for each one.
i also watched as babies were born to our inlisted as well as their families.
and i watched as we got news of those who were wounded and whoses families were in need of alot of prayers as they traveled to germany to see their soldier.
and i watched as we celebrated the arrival on US soil of those returning home unharmed .
there is a deep bond that goes with being a military mom one all of us that are or have been can be very proud of.
in fact i am a mother now of a navy vet.
i remember when that happened . and i thought ok wow now i am done and i can leave or i should at least leave the military moms. so i did just that.
only to find that wasnt going to happen none to soon. i found out there were people out there hunted for my posts and read them all the time. and wanted to hear from me even if it was none military postings anymore.i was told i had a positive way of looking at anything.
well i got to say. that didnt come because of self. that came because of the military moms. it came to be during the time i was in there.
i had had enough of the crying all day and night for me that is. enough of the not feeling like i was living but sitting and waiting all day and night for the next shoe to fall so to speek. enough of the wondering and enough of the what ifs and your next and if if if .
not to say for one min this moms heart wasnt concerned or worried at all. but i figured out i didnt have to live with the deep stuff of horror.
so i began one day with crissy aka the princess of the tissues or some such posting where i began to talk about things like i had a bad cold and felt like i was supporting the tissue companies not just with that cold but all the tears i shed just being a mom. and i kept posting in a light hummorus way. talking about my everyday problems and then talking about the good things that happened that day even if it was something tiny . but i hung onto the tiny positive things like so many life preservers thrown over board to me.
i talked about my adventures with the grand kids yea for grandkids . they were my real life heros during the time my son was in the navy. because i was busy taking care of them as a day care provider and we went on so many adventures because of it all that i had no choice but to keep my chin up.
i will post more about being a military mom and what it was like for me. again. but for now its time for this gal to have am coffee with her vietnam vetern hubby before he leaves again today and goes back to work at the local mine here out of town for 4 more weeks. and wouldnt you know his cell phone dont work out there grrrrrrrr. so its limited phone calls again and at odd hours. thank god i have a cell phone he can reach me anywhere i am anytime .
hugs and love and tons of prayers from me crissy aka (Crissy Ira's mom) in alaska

boy the things you remember later :) the fire across the street that almost took us out.

my son was leaving gitmo after a few months serving there. he called me to say i will be back at base on such and such day.
i was of course happy to hear that. But what i remember is that sunday morning that week end he called us the church across the street went up in flames. you can park a small truck length wise between the side of the chruch and our front door that is how close it was.
it happened early in the am some kid now doing some 40 years in jail started the fire. took out the church and one home. no one was hurt thank god. and my home was spared thank god. in fact all i could think of was my son had gone through all of his time in the navy the bombing of the cole, 9-11, serving overr seas in japan and other countries in that area, Iraq, and then lastly gitmo bay and if all went bad that one sunday am i would have had to call him and tell him we had no home for him to come home too. as it is i didnt have too. but it was scarey. i found for the second time since he had entered the navy i was running for my life from a local fire. the last one taking out half a block not three blocks away from us in the down town area.
i remember going to the frontroom after hearing fire trucks thinking hum wonder what is going on. only to find hubby standing there looking out the frontroom window. he said the chruch is on fire. by the time i went back to my room grabbed my cell phone and came back calling my daughter and letting her know one corner of the church was obviously in flames. i went back grabbed what i could and got dressed. and by that time in a matter of mins the roof was totally in flames smoke pouring out everywhere.
it was an old chruch so it went fast. and because the church wasnt into putting in alot of new things it burned clean too. thank god for that one. the one down down had so much material in it that it burned toxic fumes.
anyway my daugher came to pick me up had to park a few blocks away and i went to her house for the day. hubby followed later on with the dogs we couldnt find our cat at all dont have a clue where she hide on us and he had to leave the birds as it was we did loose our love bird to smoke inhilation a week later.
i remember one talk my son and i did have after he began to talk to us all again. he mentioned us almost loosing him in a bombing in Iraq. and i thought you know you came so close to loosing us too in two fires here.
anyway al turned out ok . i love email and now that he dont have email anymore . i do love cell phones we are busy all the time text messaging each other.
hugs and love and happy new year from this vet mom to all of you :)

i can no longer remember the date of when my son got out. but what i remember is i got the call that he was out of iraq. and then nothing . and i mean nothing. not a phone call not a letter not a card nothing for about three months. the family was frantic this silence was killing us all slowly. my son wouldnt talk to anyone but his one sister who was not passing along much of anything to us at all on how he was or nothing. we were all in the dark. totally.
and my mothers heart as tramatised as it was sometimes wondered if i lost him in iraq and just wasnt facing the tune. that is how crazy i was and how crazy this total silent thing he had going was driving me.
three months with out a word how come his sister wouldnt just let us all know what was going on? heck if i know she wasnt my daughter just his sister by his real dad. and communicating with the family seemed to end on her side once he got out.
it was totally aweful
this young man my youngest child and youngest son who swore when he went into the navy that he couldnt wait to get out and come home to all of us suddenly ran the other way. suddenly acted like he hated us or didnt want a thing to do with any of us at all ever again. and it was just killing me
my hubby finally in talking to him once he called convinced him to seek counciling before he got out of the navy it took a few calls before my son would finally seek that help. but he did .
still he wouldnt come home. he moved close to his sister and it took me along time to just put it all to rest and let go finally and say ok its ok and i am glad he has someone to run too even if its not me or his closest sister he grew up with who is my youngest daughter.
its been well past a year now since he got out of the navy and he still hasnt moved home but at least he is living someplace with a purpose in mind. and that is to get some schooling.
he still doesnt talk to his ma much but for me for now that is ok. and he still isnt coming home. he doesnt know why yet but that is the way it is for now.
until he comes home his navy flag... the us flag and the yellow ribbon will hang in my window. and for now with me its all ok ..........
it isnt over yet. by far.
USA Navy Vetern mom signing out. until we met again

his time in Iraq

alot of time has gone by since i began this post of being a Navy Mom. since then my son has gone to Iraq and also to Gitmo Bay and has gotten out of the Navy in one peice yahooooooooooo. but the tramma of being a Navy Mom didnt end there.
let me pick up this story where i left off.
i was last seen in here a total basket case and that wasnt going to stop in fact it was going to become far worse then i had ever thought it could become.
my son came home to alaska on his last leave. and we sat and talked at the breakfast bar here and he was telling me flat out about his buddies that he lost in iraq . my son was a navy medical corpsman and for some reason he was seperated from his frist unit after they spent all that time togeather and had gone to japan for a year and back. well his troops went to bagdad with out him. and during the frist week there 12 of them were lost. it hunted my son totally and i knew it. and i knew in my heart when he talked about them he was looking for something from me. something that was... i knew going to be the toughest thing a mother could do. so finally i said almost in tears. son a man has to do what a man has to do. if you have to go then go and know i love you know my prayers will follow you no matter where you go . always.
he left for the base shortly after that and then i got my call and he told me... ma i am heading for Iraq. i said in what turned out to be one of the smallest voices a mom could muster ok i love you . and that was it he was gone.
during his time over there which went from aug to i think around feb a 6 month tour . i was suddenly dead flat broke. not a penny coming in at all . hubby was working but what he made sure didnt cover a thing.
so i sat in tears at christmas and made paper cards and sent him one card per day sent him stories and home made orniments.
i felt so so badly that for the whole time he was in the navy this one time of it all i couldnt do a thing for him
and i cried and i cried and i prayed and i prayed and i logged onto military moms.net and i posted and read and kept in touch with other military moms
because i found alot of people didnt understand the total horror a mother goes through emotionally when they have a child in harms way.
i had people come up to me and ask how he was only to listen to them say you know your not the only one with a kid in this war you should get over it. like i said something horribly wrong. i learned early on not to mention what i was going through and to smile and nodd and say oh yea he is fine. and move on quickly
no one came to my home and said here is a meal or thanks for what your son is doing . or here is a hug. i walked this road totally alone at home but for the miltitary moms on line i would have gone totally nuts.
the 6 months my son did in Iraq were by far the longest months of my life. ones i personally wouldnt wish on anyone .
he called when he could and kept it so so short. but his calls where few and very far between.
i remember our talk before he left. i said to him i dont know if i could go on if something happened to you it would just devistate me. he took me in his arms and held me while i cried and said mom its going to be ok i will be fine and if i die you will go on and live a long happy life ok promise me that . i did and that was it . he lived and came home with out harm to body.
butttttttttt...........